


how can i breathe without you

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Lots of Crying, M/M, Pining, Secret Crush, This hurts me, it'll be okay, this is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-28
Updated: 2015-03-28
Packaged: 2018-03-20 00:05:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3629235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn has left the band, and liam is in love with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	how can i breathe without you

All Liam heard as he hurdled down the hallways of the hotel was his own heart beat pounding in his ears, harsh and erratic. He blinked back tears that threatened to escape from his lovely warm eyes, and his breaths were becoming loud and desperate. The words which management had just spoken rang and bounced along his brain, and he felt so numb. He was so incredibly numb that it was a wonder his legs were even still moving. He was turning corners and flinging open doors, his fists clenched so tightly he felt his blunt nails pressing crescent shapes into his palms.

"....leaving the band....we know it's hard for you all...contract breached...." the snippets of the heart shattering news their managment had revealed to the boys was blinding liam, suffocating him. Zayn. His beautiful sensitive Zayn. Leaving the band, leaving LIAM. Louis had sputtered, for once at a loss for words, and his cerulean eyes were dazed, and when he spoke his smooth voice cracked, "leaving..?" Liam had blinked slowly, and he felt as though his world was collapsing. He sluggishly looked around to find Harry. Harry was sitting in his chair, and appeared very very young. His eyes were a bit wild and his chest heaved with his harsh breathing. His broad shoulders were hunched in and tears slipped from his eyes, catching on his lashes as they poured in a steady stream down his pained face. Liam felt himself cracking, breaking; here were his boys, his brothers, his HOME and they were in unbearable pain. Liam briefly recalled hearing the strangled cry Niall had emitted, his face pale and his eyes shining with tears. He had looked around frantically, begging with his eyes for someone to come out and say, "Aha! Just kidding lads, your bandmate is coming back!". 

No one did. No one gave them any consolation for their loss, and what a loss it was. Liam had shoved back his chair, and it fell back with a loud crash. They had all looked to him, and saw his eyes swimming in tears. Someone had said, "Now liam. Please sit back dow-." That was when he knew he had to run. He had run, run away from the cold faces and hearts of his management that only cared for the fat sum of money they brought it. Liam had run, needed to feel something, ANYTHING but this horrible desire to crawl into his bed and not emerge for days. Liam had run, from this scary notion that Zayn had left. HE had left, decided that leaving was the best decision for them all. Liam personally felt as though he had lost something very important to his health and well being, something vital to continue existing and functioning properly, like his eyes or his brain or his heart. 

His stomach dropped. He was in a large ballroom of the hotel or wherever the fuck they had been brought to. The hardwood floors gleamed with cleanliness and the chandeliers twinkled, beautiful and untouchable; much like Zayn, liam thought. When he had thought that he had lost something necessary to live, he realized he had, in fact, lost his heart. He had lost it to the raven haired boy with scores of ink on his beautiful skin, the prettiest artwork Liam had ever seen. He had lost his heart to the boy who spoke quietly but with conviction, to the boy that was so sensitive and genuinely good. He had lost it years ago. Back in the X Factor he had lost it. And now, Liam lurched forward, his throat clenching sickeningly. Now he would never have it back.

No body knew this. No body knew he loved Zayn, especially not Zayn himself. Liam lowered himself onto the floor and tried to stable his breathing. His fists clenched weakly as he thought of Zayn, and the last time they had seen him. Liam had been so fucking happy, performing with his best friends and the love of his life in new places, seeing new faces. None of them had ever made an impression like Zayn though. Wherever they went they met loads of new people, new faces and smiles and souls, but none so captivating and endearing as zayn. Liam closed his eyes, running his large hand over his face. 

Liam was so desperately secretly in love with Zayn that he had trouble breathing sometimes. Zayn is your pal, he would scold himself when he would gaze longingly at his lean frame. Zayn was engaged for fucks sake. Zayn was straight, Liam remembered bitterly, tears streaking down his face much like Harry's earlier. Liam sobbed brokenly, his frame shaking with it. He clutched at his chest, sure his heart was being wrenched out with tongs. It hurt so bad, and lay whimpering quietly, filled with regrets

Why had he never told Zayn how much he loved him, in every way possible!!! He would've screamed it to the high heavens had he been able to. He would've screamed his love for his friend with the rich voice and dazzling smile. He had always deluded himself into thinking Zayn was his and vice versa. He had always thought that in the end, Zayn would confess his love for Liam and they would live happily growing old with babies and pets and so much love that everyone would be jealous. Liam loved zayn so much, and it was hurting him so much that now, Zayn would never know.

Of course he would see Zayn, as he couldn't imagine life without him. There were no bad feelings over his decision, only Liam's wounded heart and a broken fanbase. But they would get over it, Liam mused quietly. They would get over it and be the best fans ever. Resilient and strong. Liam, however, would not. He would never get over his zaynie leaving him and the rest. Zayn had taken his heart with him, and he wasn't sure how to live.

Liam needed closure, something, ANYTHING. Any soothing balm to his burning heart. He opened his mouth, and cleared his throat. The empty room welcomed his words, allowing them to drift around inside it's walls, just another secret it would keep forever. "I love you, Zayn." He whispered hoarsely, his throat catching as he sobbed. "I have always loved you, since the moment i saw you. You've always been it for me, no one else could ever compare to you. You never knew," he whimpered, pain laced in every breath, every word. "You never knew how much i loved your hair when you would wake up or the scent you would leave on my shoulder when you hugged me. How much i loved your laugh and your smile and....You never knew how much i truly love you. I am so in love with you how could you leave me zayn! How could you leave me here to deal with all of THIS! You left and i need you here with me! How can i... how can i sing without thinking of your voice and how it's missing??? and it's dark. It's dark without you here and i dont know how we can do it without you!" He shouted, pain bracketing his sentences. God it felt so good to say these words he'd been holding in for years."the night you kissed me," his voice softened, only to return with renewed angst. "You kissed me and i almost cried. Your lips were so soft and it was everything i had ever dreamed of and wished for and i was getting it and i almost died from happiness. I thought....thought maybe you felt the same?? And i was about to say something when you laughed and acted like it was a joke when it took all my willpower to not kiss you again. I have always loved you, Zayn Malik, and i think i always will." His voice broke and sobbed in earnest, hicupping and wiping at his damp face.

He didn't register the sound of little feet padding on the ballroom floor. He hadn't registered the sound of the door handle opening, and he hadn't registered that whoever was in the room had heard everything. But he did register the sniffling that was above him. He opened his eyes, bleary and stuck shut with tears. It was Louis. Louis gazed down at his mate with sadness in the depths of his sapphire eyes, and Liam opened his mouth to speak, to explain what had just happened when Louis sank onto the floor and laid on Liam's chest. "Oh liam," his soft voice whispered, "oh love, you'll be okay. We'll be okay." Liam felt his shirt dampening from Louis' new tears and he let out a choked sound. "He loves you, Liam, don't ever doubt that. It'll be alright, give it time." Liam had grasped onto Louis' thin frame and they lay together quietly crying.

That is how Niall found them, his boyish face peering round the door to gaze at the huddled figures on the cold ground. He walked in, his blond hair limp on his face and both Louis and liam looked up at him. They stared at one another, drinking in the fact that although Zayn was gone, they were all still here. Niall clambered into Louis and they lay, a pile of boy and man and broken hearts. Harry came in an hour later. His handsome face was drawn and pale . He walked briskly into the room, long limbs moving swiftly and surprisingly not clumsy. He huddled into Liam's side, making himself small and he cried. Lovely green eyes alive with tears, he cried and clutched at Louis' hand, who needn't say a word and only allow Harry to hold onto him. 

They fell asleep like that. All of them, grief washed from their features as they slept, tired eyes closed and breathing soft. They were awoken when a staff member of the hotel had found them, and they were asked to go to their rooms. It had been six whole hours since their lives were turned upside down. They all trudged along, moving in unison and were one in their grief. Management called them into the conference room where they had all broken down. Instead of sitting somewhat spaced out, the boys huddled together, never losing contact with another. "We have arranged for a skype call with your former bandmate." They stated, voice devoid of any emotion. Liam made a low sound of suffering and Louis held his hand tightly.

They sat peering at the computer screen, eyes live with desire and emotion. When Zayn appeared in the screen, he looked as haggard as the rest. Their pulses raced and Niall let out a strangled sob. "Zen oh my god Zen," he cried, eyes full of tears. "I miss ye so much but i kno i's probably better dis way, innit! Ye can be happy now, nd i love ya mate. I love ya so much" nialls face crumpled. Zayn let out a misty chuckle and told niall he loved him (in a voice sweeter than pie) more than the moon and the sky . Louis and Zayn exchanged words in a rapid manner, and neither was speaking clearly. Louis blew a kiss and a few tears ghosted down his face. Harry smiled at Zayn, love and affection in his eyes. He swiped at the tears that had fallen, "well Bradford bad boi, " he husked. Zayn let out a peal of laughter and Liam's heart ached. 

How much he loved this boy, he thought stupidly.i am in love with you was the only thought running through his mind as he watched zayn and harry converse. Finally, it was Liam's turn with Zayn. "Lads, do you think i could have a minute alone with Z?" Liam asked, voice thick from tears and exhaustion. They all nodded and hugged him before calling goodbyes to their band mate. "Liam. I-i'm sorry liam im sorry i left and im sorry i didnt say good bye proper." Zayn cried, tears flowing freely. Even in his tears he was gorgeous to liam, and Liam had to tell him. "You're beautiful, Zayn. I've always thought so. Prettiest person ever laid eyes on, inside and out. I lo- i miss you Zaynie." He stammered, his voice shaking with pain and his hands once again curled into balls. Zayn looked at liam in wonder, and smiled through his tears. "I love you, liam. I hope you don't- i just.... I think I'm a bit in love with you t'be honest aha." Zayn said quietly, before crying again. 

Liam looked at him, heart thudding painfully fast as he made sense of what zayn had said. He was in love with him. With LIAM. liam let out a sob, and said "And i am in love with you Zayn Malik. Always have been. Always will be." They gazed at each other for a long minute. "Keep going for me, Liam. Keep selling out arenas, and keep making music, and keep being you. Don't change for the world, Li. I love you so much, always know that. I. Love. YOU." 

Liam was crying in disbelief. How could this be real, he wondered. Zayn loves me and i love Zayn. Liam nodded, words failing him. "Zayn i love you. You're my home, forever and always. I...i will keep on, for you. For them," he gestured towards the door the rest of the band had gone out of. "I'll keep going for us." Zayn nodded, tears blurring his vision and his hair a mess. Liam was stunned by his beauty. He loved zayn, and zayn loved him. Liam blew a kiss softly to his heart, and his heart blew one back to him. "Talk to you real soon babe. It won't be the same without you." Zayn laughed and said, "you'll make it work love, you always have. Bye, Liam. I love you." His voice was thick and he had given up on wiping his eyes. Liam gulped, "bye Zaynie, i love you more than all the stars in the sky. And I'll make it work, for you." 

They disconnected, and Liam stood up. His heart hurt and his eyes were dry from crying. But as he left the room, he had a new hope in his chest. He had his boys and they had him. They had their fans and they had Zayn. And he knew. He knew,walking back to his room which undoubtedly held all of the boys as none of them could bear being alone. What did he know? He knew that they could do it. And it felt good.

**Author's Note:**

> I miss Zayn but it's okay. The boys have got this 


End file.
